Good days, bad days

Wednesday was a fun day. Jack started Mother's Day Out, and he loved it. When I dropped him off, he ran into the room as if he was desperate to have social time with people his size. He probably was. Charlie and I came home and had one-on-one time which was so great. I suspect he was grateful for the silence. When I picked Jack up at 2:00 he was so excited to tell me everything he did and show me his heart that he made. He also said "hey, baby. Hey, Charlie" over and over as he kissed and hugged Charlie. He missed his brother.

We then went and got Jack's hair cut. He sat in the chair by himself for the first time. He kept talking about how much it tickled. Afterwards, we ran errands and then came home and straightened the house. Great day. I loved it. I needed some quiet, and Jack desperately needed some play time without being told "no" repeatedly.

Yesterday we had a rough day at home. It was one of those days when literally nothing went right. I was trying to clean, Jack had an agenda from another planet that involved completely destroying the house. He was so disobedient I went straight from irritated, skipped anger, and just became hurt. I took him to the bathroom to clean out his ears- Very carefully with drops and shallow q-tip. I honestly thought that surely he couldn't hear the words I was saying. He would never act like that if he could hear me. Those q-tips were crystal clear. Dang it.

So we had a stand-off at one point about lunch. After 45 minutes of screaming in his room, he calmed down, said he was sorry and came out and ate the food I had prepared. He then went straight to sleep without the first fight. Heck yeah, I won. After nap was just as bad, though, and when Travis came home I caved.

Overall I felt like a failure yesterday. I felt guilty for being such a disciplinarian all day long. I felt guilty for not just loving on Jack and playing. I felt guilty for looking forward to Mother's Day Out today. So at bedtime I snuggled with him and prayed that God would make my heart patient and gracious for my precious Jack. I prayed that I would get a do-over, a chance to make it better. Then I cried when that sweet boy rolled over, grabbed my face, kissed me big-time and said "I dub you, mama" and then fell asleep on my chest. He just loves me. Tore me to pieces. Then I thought about how we, most of the time, have the best days. Truly. I just need to get my act together now that there are two little hearts to shepherd.

This weekend I'm getting back in the mode of organized at-home days. I was really good at having planned activities (crafts, reading, alone-time) for Jack before Charlie was born... A fairly structured day. He thrives off having boundaries and organized times - he probably got that from Travis and the day-care routine because I am in no way made to function like that. I am a list-maker but I do not really keep a calendar, and I hate obeying a clock. It feels unnatural to me. The only event I'm ever on time to is work because I want to keep the job that I love. However, structure promotes some amazing peace and sanity in our home. So I will plan and prepare to keep a sense of peace in our home and to nourish Jack's little growing mind and heart. Prayers please!

At some point last night, Charlie got a trial-run on the bottle. We offered him half an ounce, and he did well with some work. We'll keep practicing a couple times a week. He needs to be able to take bottles when I go back to work.

Ugh, I'm exhausted thinking about the work ahead. I'm going to sign off and love on the little one.

I'm pretty sure Travis just high-jacked the blog and will have a post to come soon... Stay tuned!