Yesterday and today

Last night, we went to dinner at Bella Notte and enjoyed delicious Italian, sans kids, celebrating a birthday of a guy in our small group. We had a great time, and I desperately needed the adult, light-hearted conversations. 

Yesterday was just hard. The grief hit me in a really ugly way when I least expected it. I have had a really hard time getting Jack to listen and obey, and it doesn't help that his left ear is deaf at the moment. After the tenth or so time of instructing, time-outing, and spanking over nap time, I asked him if he needed to go potty, he said no, and I finally shut his door. And then it happened. I heard him peeing on his carpet. I went bazerk. I grabbed a towel and went to clean it, and on my hands and knees I cried out to God that it is just too much. Not the pee. Or the discipline. This darkness that I'm walking in is so heavy it's choking me. I begged God to step in and show His perfect strength in my weakness. 

I'm reading a book a friend in small group gave me called "A Grace Disguised." Right off the bat, Frank Sittser talks about losing the battle in running from the darkness while chasing after the setting sun. Instead he recommends walking East, into the darkness, and eventually East will meet West, and the sun will rise. I see all sorts of goodness and blessings all throughout the day. The sorrow is simply quite tremendous. I have to feel this darkness and walk it for the night... However long that is. 

So the break to dinner forced me to get dressed and taste good food and meet good people and celebrate life. And that was so very good. God's strength, perfect in my weakness. 

This morning, Jack woke me up to show me his drawing:

Then, he told me who everyone was and that we were all holding hands:

Happy moment. Inexpressible joy. 

Tonight, we met the same couple from small group at Richardson Adventure Farm way out/up in Spring Grove. It was very cold 40s and sprinkling when we got there. Even still, we had a lot of fun!

Jack and Travis slid down this big slide

Then, we watched some pig races

"hey, Jude" was the winner. The pigs are ten weeks old and are chunky, cute things. 

Then we went to the kids' area and rode tricycles, jumped on some contraption, and got more wet before riding the wagon ride (hayride without hay). 

We called it a night when both boys' feet were soaked and freezing. But we made a s'more on the way out! The drive back was good, and both boys sacked out soon after we got home. 

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To everyone who is praying, thank you. I know I'm not the first or last person who has ever suffered or will ever suffer. Mine isn't the worst or the most shocking: who's to compare? It all hurts. I so long to grow so deep in my love for Jesus through this. This season has opened my eyes to God's continued faithfulness, to others' very tough trials, and to the reality that light still shines in the darkness. Joy really does still occur in the sorrow. They don't have to be separate. Because the sorrow will probably always be a part of me. I can let joy be right alongside it.